I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
