Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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