dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
