She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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