I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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