I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
