But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I had to cum in my sink.
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