Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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