Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
