Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
accomplished twins. life is a go
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
