my phone needs a breathalizer
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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