OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
