hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Someone shit on the floor
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I want her autograph on my taint
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
