I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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