Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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