i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
