can we get nightvision for the apartment?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
