My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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