I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
