don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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