My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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