a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
