we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
