it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
