I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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