two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
