I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
