I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
