Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
