omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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