She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
