mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
