if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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