all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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