she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
