Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
