I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
