your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
why do cheetos always look like penises
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
