i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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