I'm eating all of the evidence.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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