Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
