I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
