Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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