So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
