worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
