i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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