Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i've created a new STD.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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