His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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