tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
