3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
