pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
After tacos, we're chasing women.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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