The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
