Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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